Someone very close to me recently mentioned that I’m ‘out of shape’ and maybe I should work out more. This was/is constructive criticism, right? Except all I heard was ‘you’re fat, and this makes you ugly’. I won’t go into all the details of that conversation, but suffice to say, it upset me - a lot. To the point of wanting to hide the body that I had a really hard time accepting. To the point where I considered fasting for days on end and generally going back to the days of torturing myself with starvation and over work and general depression.
It’s been almost a month since that conversation, and I’ve spent every waking moment since then hating every inch of myself, every ounce of fat, every bump and curve and stretch mark. I’ve had nightmares involving horrible, horrible things, which I won’t write here because it makes me sick to my stomach to even think about it. But, I’ll be honest, it’s all I think about. I’m beginning to feel worthless, more so than usual. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to look at myself. I don’t want anyone else to look at me.
Every morsel of food that passes my lips brings massive amounts of guilt, I’m terrified to eat, I’m so stressed out with eating/guilt that I’ve been unable to keep most of my food down. I want it to stay down, I know it should, but somehow I’m getting sick just thinking about what’s inside my stomach and how it’s affecting what’s on the outside. (I am eating - relatively healthy food - and I promise I’m not making myself sick, I’d have checked myself in by now if I was doing that. I worked hard to battle my EDs, and I’m working even harder to stay healthy).
I’ve spent the last two week training like crazy - weight lifting, cardio, generally punishing myself for the sake of ‘being skinny’ - and it hasn’t made one bit of difference. (It’s okay, I understand that this won’t be an overnight transformation, it’s just the insecure emotional part of my brain won’t believe that).
Yesterday I was convinced that I could see a slight - very slight - improvement. And then today I tried on a dress that is quite body hugging, and I felt disgusting.
I feel disgusting.
I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to look at myself in the mirror and see something that my personal trainer keeps telling me isn’t there. My friends keep telling me I’m beautiful, and I have a wonderful figure, and that I don’t need to feel the way I do about myself. And I swear I’m trying really hard to believe them, but I just can’t seem to see what they say they see.
I don’t know what to do. Or how to feel. Or how to convince myself that I’m not what I think I am.
I had to get this out of my system, because it’s getting to the point where I can’t hide the disgust I feel at myself, and this is the only place I feel safe talking about it.